I see everyone moving on with their lives and their careers and it scares me. I don’t think I will be able to get through this like everyone else did. I’m starting to second guess myself and if this is what I really want to do.
I know I should keep studying but I felt the need to write this stuff out to get some stress out. I’m missing out on a really good friend’s birthday right now and it’s killing me right now. Going on twitter and instagram seeing everyone having fun and celebrating his birthday is making me pretty angry. I wish I could be there with everyone but I can’t because I have to read before I fall behind in Nursing school here at CSUF. And on top of school, stuff outside of school and my emotions are taking a toll on me mentally. I know things are going good for me in school like getting into the nursing program, almost being done with my double major, and at work, being considered for one of the few supervisor positions, but I can’t help but feel like I’m being punished by the universe. All these good things are happening to me, but it’s the completely wrong timing of everything. Every time something good happens to me, pressure to do good in everything that I do is never far behind to kill my happiness. I know good things are happening and I shouldn’t complain, but I’m just overwhelmed with all the work I have to do to accomplish everything. Ok…I think I feel better now, gotta go back to reading for school.
*EDIT: Oh, and one more thing, I can’t help it that I’m starting to like you. I’m going to try and keep my distance so that I don’t get distracted by you. I hate how this is happening to me again, and every time I start to feel this way with someone, I become distant. I know it’s not fair for hte other person, but I need to do this for me.
I refuse to start liking you. When you told me you were going to be leaving, I was a little sad but didn’t show that I was. Hopefully you weren’t waiting for me to say that I was going to miss you or anything cuz then my emotions would be all sorts of fucked up and I would regret not saying anything.
I hate how when I try to go to bed, I end up laying here and getting lost in tumblr posts. Tumblr made me realize that I’m tired of waiting for that special someone to come into my life. I’ve given up hope and am ok with the fact that I’m alone. It makes me feel stronger because I can live my life without anyone there to tell me that everything is gonna be ok. I can go through life’s toughest challenges alone, without anyone to help. Thank you tumblr for giving me the strength to finally accept that being single and alone isn’t a bad thing. It’s just not for everyone.
Time is something that you can’t really put a price on and means soo much to me. I’ve given you all the free time that I’ve had just to try and hang out with you, but nothing in return. I try and be there for you whenever I can, but if I’m not the one to hit you up, I will definitely never hear from you. I’m seriously TIRED of people using me because they know I’ll do pretty much ANYTHING for them. I sacrifice soo much of my time and money driving to the OC for friends that I’m making myself stressed all the time. I’m tired, just….tired. You’ve shown me that I will never find people that would treat me the way I treat everyone else. I’m DONE.
It’s part of life. It’s all about making mistakes and leaning from them. I’ve done A LOT of stupid things growing up and I know it. But now I know not to do certain things because I’ve done it before and I’m not stupid enough to do it again. I think it’s time for me to put all those mistakes together and learn to GROW UP. No more “YOLO” or “Fuck it” kind of nights. I need to be the most responsible person ever made….well….at least TRY to be. I’ve already started not going out as much and now I’m getting weed vibes from friends when I do decide to go out. Well then damn….I guess I’m not gonna make an effort anymore. I was only trying to get my shit together. Oh we’ll….another mistake, another lesson learned. It’s part of growing up.
Still, the smallest things remind me of you and I wish they didn’t because one second I’m completely fine, and the next I feel a piece of myself crack.
I mean, I’m okay. But.. at the same time I’m not.
I do not look forward to the day when things that I remembered so vividly, become but a hazy figment of old memories… The tragedy is that you’re conscious that you’re letting go, because you have to. Because he is.
I mean, I’m okay. But at the same time, I’m not.
We need to have a day where we can just EAT our feelings away…maybe with a good movie too! Lol. :D
I’m determined to make something out of myself. I want to be able to say I experienced all the hardships and stress and got through it ok. I don’t really wanna say this but… if I lose some friends along the way, they weren’t really trying to stay friends.
I think it’s the right time for me to take a step back from my social life and focus on ME. I find this sort of peacefulness when I am alone and don’t have to worry about other people. Bye bye for now.